I began to believe in who Jesus was as a young kid. I was about 12 when I heard the Good News and I truly did believe Jesus was who He said He was and I believed what He did for me. But I didn’t take the time to let Him transform me. I didn’t surrender. Times got hard and life got crazy, and I took my life into my own hands. I still knew who God was, I still believed Jesus was who He said He was, but I was missing the love for Him. I’d call out to Him in my times of trouble, but never just loving and praising Him. But all that time, His love for me never stopped. He was still there. He never left me. I can look back now and see where His presence was in my life even though I wasn’t acknowledging it or even thankful for it. But there was a day that things changed for me and I fell in love with Jesus.
I’d went many years, into my 20’s, trying to go through this life without the help and guidance of God. And that had led me into a deep dark place of sin. I found myself with a one year old child whose father I hated and wouldn’t speak to, seeing a different man who was drug addict, facing time in prison for conspiring with an inmate and a guard to get contraband into a federal prison. On top of that and many other sins, I was pregnant again. I was actually happy about being pregnant. I loved the son I had and could get joy that I much wanted from another child. I thought to myself that another child could give me happiness in the worst of times I was having. The reality did not set in of what my circumstances truly were. I was possibly going to prison. This child’s father was on drugs and would not care for the child if I was away. My other son had never seen his father. My mother was taking care of my sister’s two children already.
That reality never hit me until one morning I woke up and was miscarrying my baby.
After a tragic day at the doctor’s office, it was confirmed that my baby was gone, no longer alive in me. In that moment, I was crushed with sadness. The only hope and joy I’d had in the circumstances of my life was gone. Just like that. I woke up fine that morning, and within 3 hours, I didn’t have a baby any more. I was sad, hopeless, inconsolable. When I went home that day, God was speaking to me. He’d been there the whole time. He let me see the reality of the choices I was making. He let me see the life my children would have if I didn’t change. He let me see the curse I could break if I’d just come to Him. He held me and told me that I am loved, but enough was enough.
So when Sunday rolled around, I called a friend who went to church and told her I was coming. I went and God spoke to me so deeply that day. I realized just how lost I was. I realized that how miserable and hopeless I was didn’t have to stay that way. God told me that in one decision I could come close to Him and He would come close to me. I never looked back from that day. I fell in love with Jesus that day. His love for me despite all that’d I’d done drew me into Him. I loved Him even though I knew He was in control of me losing that baby. He wasn’t bad for that. He loved me enough to do what it took to get me to my knees and looking up to the only one who can give me the joy and peace and happiness and fulfillment I wanted so bad.
I can’t end the story there without telling you how it’s all turning out. I didn’t go to prison. I got out of that bad relationship. I reconciled with my son’s father and then fell in love with him. We got married. I got another child, though not born from me, God gave me another one through my husband. God’s not done with me and I’m not done loving Him. My love has grown more and more for Him. And His transformation of me continues everyday. My life is not great all of the time. Bad things still happen even though my decisions are better. But now I have a rock to stand on and my life is not shaken when those times come. I have an everlasting hope. I have love that is with me and a God who never leaves me. I have joy in the Lord no matter what. I have a deep, deep love that will last for eternity.
May you be blessed and encouraged.
Cindy Witt- 4Her Ministries Inc.
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